Me and my ego: THAT relationship

Wild Carrot on the prairie in the clouds [copyright JeanMaher 2025]

I went for a walk today, and on the way home, it came to me to ask, why am I so hypervigilant toward relationships with everyone and everything? What am I afraid of? What am I protecting?

What showed up as I pondered “hypervigilant” was this - I never share much about what I think - those innermost thoughts. Too risky to share. I avoid it. I avoid even thinking about what I'm doing and direct my energy to keeping this protection in place.

But this time I'm not avoiding, my thoughts keep coming out in droves, like the clouds above the wild carrot I saw yesterday.

This time, thoughts came from a new direction: how can I become more open? Less protective? I can only change what I practice, and now I see that I am most hypervigilant and protective of my Self! It's not about anything or anyone else. It starts with me. Missed that part before --- that ego of mine.

Said better: my ego is hypervigilant and protective of itself.

How interesting. My first inclination is, "no… you can’t..." Hmm.

Said better: My ego’s first inclination is to protect itself from anything seen as a threat.

The questions keep coming: Why does my ego see everything as a threat? Will it always see everything as a threat to self-preservation? Can a person work with their ego to get it to relax and trust that everything will be OK? Getting emotional now – tears near the surface. Is this tenderness?

Feels like I’m opening up something. Maybe.

What would it be like to really commit to opening up to everything? To being and honoring myself? To not necessarily being the last priority? What is the worst that could happen? And its corollary: isn't the best thing that could happen is that I am a better person all around by being myself?

I wondered what it would be like to drop the hypervigilant barrier. I don’t know because I’ve always kept that fence up. What if I decided to do something small just for me – go somewhere – like that coffee shop downtown. I decided I could try that this morning because I (not the ego!) want to.

I came home and got ready to go without interacting with anyone… No danger in that, my dear hypervigilant ego, right? OK let's, keep going. It's amazing - all the energy I use in keeping up the wall of my own making. What if I freed that energy up? No wall?

Today was a first practice: can I do this? Do I believe I need to be immediately available to make things better in any situation first? That was my first thought. Second thought: maybe I don’t do what I want right now and wait until later... Next thought: don’t judge my thoughts!

Welcome to the new me of practicing seeing my ego's hypervigilance and the roadblocks it throws up. Over and over again.

I have over 60 years of the old patterns/ruts in my head. Like the road that I drove to take for a hike today, I expected/anticipated it would/could be a mess of holes and ruts to dodge like before. But they had graded it. Cool. The anticipation and expectation of what I would find was a waste of energy, too. The lesson: don't overthink. What could I do with that energy I spent worrying if I didn't have my thoughts in the way? The old "stay in the moment" applies. In spades. I digress...

Back to the new plan: I decided to go to the coffee shop. I’m nervous about this but going anyway. My ego keeps a string of thoughts going to try and stop me from stepping out, but I pay attention to my behavior: does it help to ignore myself? Nope.

I felt a little guilty, but I followed through with what I wanted to do. A little step.

I parked in town… and because I was a little uncomfortable and didn’t think to trust myself in the moment, I didn’t see the Start button on the pay-for-parking station when I got out of the car (unbelievable in hindsight - eyeroll please). I tried tapping the screen. Nothing. I went back to the car. I even moved the car! Ok this is silly. I tried again – parked, grabbed my stuff and slowed down. I went to the pay station and I saw the button to Start. Viola! Paid for an hour of parking.

I went into the shop and ordered a black coffee. Table was ok but a little dirty. Didn’t see a rag to wipe it off. Had to ask. There were people around me and I didn’t want to appear foolish. Ignored that and asked for something to clean it up. That worked. Opened my laptop and let this blog unfold.  

Then a couple came in while I was writing this with their newborn baby. Struck up a little conversation. Fun and so good for me. I met some new people.

I can do this. See, ego – we can work together.